Links That Make You Gay/Trans Your Gender

[elyusion]

Most of my plans for Three Weeks on my personal journal include emptying out my bookmarks of all these links I've accrued but never found the time to share. Today's links are generally about sex, gender, and orientation.

⭕ the proposal to raise every boy as a girl
No blockquote. Just read it.

How To Figure Out If You're Trans

What if I’m not sure?

That’s normal. Pretty much none of us are 100% sure, because the only way to have that much confidence is to be told when you’re little by someone you trust with all your heart. As soon as you realize—really accept—that a person’s gender assigned at birth doesn’t have to be their gender, you’ll never be 100% certain again, whether you’re trans or cis.

And that’s okay.

I really, really like this one. For normal reasons.

Translation: “The Quoiromantic Manifesto” by Nakamura Kasumi

However, through my few experiences with romance I came to feel that I was not suited to it, or rather that I could not feel I wanted to. For example, the Japanese model of romantic-sexual love is premised on a contract of “dating” and “breaking up.” There is a concept that if there is a beginning, there will be an end. I thought that was really constrained. Furthermore, the presumption that if one is in love, there will undoubtedly be possessiveness—or the feeling of jealousy on which it is based—was very difficult for me. Even if a lover sought these feelings from me, or vice-versa, if a lover had these feelings for me, I could not navigate it well. Through these experiences, I came to be curious just what kind of thing was “romantic attraction” actually, and how did it differ from other other types of affinity?

Same girl, same.

Ramp-Up Essay: Erotic Focus

Describing something that I have a non-sexual relationship to as erotic – say, a beautiful rich dessert – indicates that it appeals to my senses or emotions in an intense and personal way. I might also describe a dessert as sexy, of course, especially if it's chocolate, but that to me has more of the sound of a joke in it – "what a sexy little piece of cheesecake!" – a joke because I can't have sex with cheesecake in the way I can have sex with a person. Whereas if I were to describe that cheesecake as erotic, I might sincerely mean that it was appealing in an intense or overwhelming way, that my relationship to it was literally erotic, because a cheesecake is a valid object of eroticism in a way that it can't be my sexual partner in a traditional way. Eating the cheesecake there in the restaurant, in front of my friends, in a way that doesn't turn me on sexually, can still be an erotic experience; in order to have a sexual experience with the cheesecake, I'd have to have a bit more creativity, and perhaps a bit more privacy.

Six years (and counting) of circlusion

It is a contradictory feature of bourgeois ideology that effort gets causally associated with power in a society premised precisely on the opposite: power derives from the exploitation and appropriation of others’ activeness. It’s remarkable how quickly this supposed link between power and effort is forgotten where blowjobs are concerned. But that’s beside the point. What concerns me here is that this direct link between penetration and power exists at all. That’s what has to go.

I love this article for introducing a new word to my vocabulary that I have not used irregularly since. While studying Japanese vocabulary I even found it has use as an easier way to translate 嵌める (hameru), which normally has 500 different English definitions (to fit, to insert, to put on something that envelops, etc.) ... or just one. Apparently in Japanese ハメる (hameru, same word different tone) is used as a slangy way of saying "fucking" too, but it seems when men use it they use it in a "something I do to a sex partner," way, but there IS usage of it from women in a "something I do to a sex partner" way.

a dyke's guide to sex without shame

it is up to you to sit and have these conversations with yourself. reflect on what society has taught you to be disgusted by as opposed to what you yourself may just not like for your own body. are you ashamed of your desire, or do you simply not desire the thing the same way someone else does? talk about sex and desire with your friends, your partners. stop letting social fear of sex dictate your relationship to it. know no shame! we are here, we are queer, and we’re going to be queer! and we’re going to fuck!

Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

Clear, truthful and open communication is a must with partnered sex⁠. It’s the best way to assure everyone is fully and freely consenting and physically and emotionally safe; to help sex and sexual⁠ relationships be as satisfying, positive and awesome as they can be. We can’t just know or guess what we or others want or need, like or dislike, are or are not okay with: we need to communicate those things and have them communicated to us. [...] Yes, No and Maybe lists aren’t something we invented. They’ve been used for a long time by sexuality educators, sex therapists, communities, couples and individuals, and they can be seriously useful tools. So, we’ve made one specifically for Scarleteen readers including all the issues you ask us about and we’ve talked about together over the years.

untuck NOW queen!

Fundamentally, we need to liberate women’s bodies, and that includes public titties and dick in women’s showers. I want to be able to take a shower after working out and have it be entirely boring. And in order for that to happen we have to kill the idea that penises are masculine, powerful, violent or even that they are important. A penis is just some flesh we gave a name.

Is a Cervix Cis?: My Year in the Stirrups

Some of these friends are women, some are not women. Some have the same organs and structures that I have, others do not. Some are modifying their bodies with the same substances with which I am modifying my body. We’re there together, listening to one another; my body’s experience has been involved in being able to hear about theirs. My love for these people creates a bond that affects how I feel about my body and makes me want to protect theirs. History has created these bonds between and among our bodies and these affinities, for me, are the substance of my sense of sex identity, of what embodiment itself means.

🌷 talking about sex

You do not have a sex, you are weighed by and against a societal structure we call Sex (capital S). People, bodies, and body parts, "inherently" sexless ("inherently" nothing), are weighed against Sex, and through this are sexed (male or female).

The Case Against Autogynephilia

Trigger warning for mentions of sexual assault

To put this sexualization in perspective, consider the following analogy: Many natal women have sexual fantasies about being raped (reviewed in Leitenberg & Henning, 1995). It is one thing to respectfully attempt to explore and understand such rape fantasies. It would be an entirely different thing to insist that there are two subtypes of women—those who have rape fantasies and those who do not; to use the label “autoraptophiles” when describing women who have such fantasies and to insist that they are primarily motivated by their desire to be raped; to include “autoraptophilia” as a modifier in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders; and to encourage the lay public to actively distinguish between those women who are “autoraptophiles” and those who are not. Such actions would undoubtedly have a severe, negative impact on women (who are already routinely sexualized and marginalized in our culture). Yet, proponents of autogynephilia have argued that transsexual women should be viewed and treated in an analogous manner.

'Racebending' and 'Womanface': Discussing Social Constructs

Why do the rules for ‘gender’ not apply to ‘race’ as well? Because gender and race are not the same concept. They are different ideas, different constructions and they connote vastly different things. One could walk into a room and announce that they were race-transitioning and it would be just as meaningful a statement as claiming that their race is ‘about seventy degrees Fahrenheit’ or ‘the Gregorian Calendar’.

Though, I surmise that while that’s certainly true, it’s not a satisfying answer, is it? We know race and gender are different, but could we expand upon how? What makes one more ephemeral than the other?

^Article that made me feel smart because part of the reason it says "transing your race" isn't comparable to transing your gender is something I concluded on my own some time ago. (Spoilers: Being a certain race is defined partly by your family history, but being a certain gender has no ancestral dimension.)

The Story

That’s why parents say “there were no signs.” In a very real way, there weren’t. Sure, Jenny put on a play-dress or played house a few times when she was little, but basically all kids do that, regardless of gender, because their ability to fully understand gender hasn’t solidified yet. Where it became a sign to Jenny, and maybe to her parents, is how their memories of that event were constructed, reconstructed and changed after Jenny came out to herself and to them. Jenny, who in this imaginary example, came to realize her transness on her fifteenth birthday, looked back on her life and snagged on the joy and delight of that early play-dress escapade. It became a beacon to her, foreshadowing of what she would come to truly understand later on. Her parents, meanwhile, don't even remember it — to them, it was just a Tuesday.

Mariette Lydis, 1887–1970

An artist biography featuring artworks with what I believe is a very fluid and cute style ^_^

LGBT Equality Index

The Equality Index measures the current status of LGBT rights, laws, and freedoms as well as public attitudes towards LGBT people.

Something cool to check out.

OUTWORDS

OUTWORDS captures, preserves, and shares the stories of LGBTQIA2S+ elders, to build community and catalyze social change.

Website for interviews, biographies, and photos of elders!

Gender Census 2025: Worldwide Report

The usual disclaimer: The Gender Census is a community-based project run by an enthusiastic amateur volunteer, and it is not affiliated with any organisations, companies or academic institutions. It was promoted entirely on social media and by word of mouth.

I haven't cleaned out my bookmarks in so long...

And last but not least,

Wikipedia article on the song here.

Comments

Some fantastic links

[phantasmalpoison]

Yeah, any ways I think are immoral to raise a girl would just apply to raising a boy as one. I think the peer pressure of school unfortunately can go a long way, but that doesn't mean one should raise kids to fit into the box they'll then be forced into, and this is totally fixed if we raise every boy as a girl. Amen.

Woo, time to finally do a transgender test.
Incredibly funny to me that, sneaking a peek at the AMAB scenario 1 had me going, wow, I want to be a woman. I, uh, I am a woman, and irl I've got on badly with the realities of groups of girls and the typicalities of conversation (and spent years wishing I were a boy). But imagine if it went well! The answer here is that I'm autistic, of course.

En tumblr posts about sexuality making their way to a Japanese academic paper!

Ah, shit, I forgot about circlusion, important concept that apparently left my mind very quickly after first learning it.

Really interesting stuff about gender in childhood. I also loved Power Rangers and TMNT at that age :) I think the fluidity of growing up as a sister with a brother (and having male friends as a small child) and not being scolded for just having fun was that we watched each other's shows and played with each other's toys, had a shared dressing up chest. Some freedom from the rigid split of boy and girl that the market puts on kids toys.

I feel a real feeling of heartbreak about the second day of primary school when my male friends realised they were boys and I was a girl and so we had to go our separate ways. That was age 4, so, early!

Love your icon, btw.

I'm glad someone liked them!

[elyusion]

I think it's good that you gave the test a try, because many cis (I'm assuming you're cis, but you never specified) people go throughout life without questioning their gender at all. I'm bad at wording things, but I think it's nice to not just have the gender you have because someone told you it's yours, but because you've really sat and thought about it and concluded it's what you want to live as. I'm sorry to hear about the isolation :( I thought that such social exclusion was also why I'm nonbinary -- I didn't hang consistently enough with people of "my" gender, or really any gender, so nothing rubbed off on me -- but that can't be the reason or only reason if you're a woman despite it all.

My brother once got a beating for playing with his sister's dolls, and it made me so sad to see :( My mom (laughing, only taking it sort of serious?) said he's just a little kid, it's not necessary to do all this, but clearly my dad had to set him straight ASAP. I think he was 4 or 5, maybe 6. It wasn't fair that his twin sister could play with his toys but he couldn't play with hers, and I hated it.

Every time I read about someone's heartbreak caused by the gender segregation of school I get so sad too. It's too sad to lose your friends so young, to not be able to talk or play with them the same way as you used to. I didn't personally experience this (my play activity of choice was reading, which is both gender-neutral and solitary), but I feel for everyone else.

I like your frog collection! I like this icon too; I don't get to use it often enough.

Further gender oversharing :)

[phantasmalpoison]

I'd hesitate to call myself cisgender, but I'm largely in the woman born as a woman category. Sometimes I think of myself as 'if a boy was a girl', but girl is always fine. I reject the cultural expectations of womanhood, but hating gender roles and the fact people will constantly be perceiving me as 'woman' when it doesn't seem relevant is not the same as deciding I'm not a woman. Failing at the expected performance of womanhood just means I'd rather be around people who aren't expecting that performance from me, or around people from totally different categories to the ones I'm supposed to be part of where they're not expecting me to be the same as them in the first place, you know? There are different ways to be a woman and anyone who wants to be really restrictive about it is not worth my time.
I think languages without gendered personal pronouns are preferable to me, but given I speak English, 'she' is the one I'm sticking with.
I guess, I think I probably feel the same way as some people who are transgender do, and I don't think I'd regret it if I had gone down a route where I transitioned in some way, re: the various scenarios. Because I do like to have a body that's beautiful to me, and I find all kinds attractive. But I also don't regret how I look and present myself now, either.

But tbh lately I've been really enjoying lots of girly stuff, not least from seeing trans women enjoying all the pretty things that male socialisation denied them. Truly embracing the stereotypically feminine things I like.

Awful about your brother. I remember I was working in a charity shop and a little boy wanted to buy a book on baking and his dad was trying to discourage it because it's for girls. Making food is for girls! The kid wanted cake and you tell him a woman has to make it for him, like, seriously seriously what the fuck? The dad gave in, thankfully, I can't remember if I said anything but I definitely would have (gently, along the 'he wants to eat cake' lines) because I was utterly horrified by the implications. It disgusts me when children are told they can't play with the 'wrong' gender toy, of course, massively, but the idea that we're even applying that to making their own food...

[commodityfetishx]

this reads like a sociology major. i was a soc major & did most my studies on gay shit like this. i wish i still had it in me to study & write cuz this kind of stuff is really interesting to me & it's fun when it's not all academic.

Re: Further gender oversharing :)

[elyusion]

I think you have a wonderful view of your own gender ^^ I love hearing about how people experience their genders, so I hope you feel no shame in sharing. And a shame about the boy who likes cake, but apparently it'd be weird for him to make his own?? To be fair I think it's considered unmasculine to like sweets, and since he's a kid it's okay and people assume he'll grow out of that, but he won't grow out of knowing how to bake a cake. He'll be forever tainted... with the knowledge of bakery... 😭 Gender expectations make people act SO strangely.

[elyusion]

i wish i had time to read so so many more books, but all i can do is read shorter pieces by people who have done all the reading for me u_u i actually never took a single gender studies class in college, and i regret it. i wish i could hear what the people around me thought about gender